I recently wrote an article about the power of a good question. You can find the whole article here, but I’ll save you the time with a quick summary: Good questions lead to more peace. Bad questions generate frustration.
I know that’s just advanced common sense, but it’s still powerful common sense.
I’d like to build on that article[1] by suggesting a few specific questions wise people should always be able to answer. I’m not putting this forth as any sort of exhaustive list.
Rather, this is a short excerpt from my sermon “Why Does Life Feel so Hard?”
In that sermon, I unpack the most famous poem about time ever written—Ecclesiastes chapter 3.
Many people can quote the entire chapter thanks to a hippie band from the 1960s who plagiarized Solomon’s verses and turned them into a catchy song. (it’s ok: I’m not bitter)
In the middle of the chapter, Solomon gives us two verses that can be used as frustration buffers if we’re conscious about applying them to our lives in a practical way.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
-Ecclesiastes 3:5–6 (NLT)
Whether we’re talking about people, stuff, or money: everything and everyone is either moving into your life or out of your life. We’re constantly in a state of transition.
That transition is bound to generate some friction at times, but we can dampen that friction by turning Solomon’s two verses into four powerful questions.
1. Am I trying to maintain a relationship that’s run its course?
People
To be clear: if the relationship is with your spouse, the answer is no. Keep trying until one of you meets Jesus face-to-face.[2]
For many other relationships, perhaps that person came into your life to teach you something, or to share a season of life with you. Maybe they’re there so you can give them mentorship, share in their pain or joy, or carry a burden they can’t carry alone.
However, if the next season of life is leading or forcing you apart, be wise enough to recognize that and keep moving. Know whether it’s time to embrace or time to turn away.
I’m not encouraging you to devalue good relationships or treat people as disposable. Life-long friendships are a blessing. Nurture and protect them as such.
But, also be aware of the transience of life. Solomon (Ecclesiastes 1.2-4) and James (James 4.14) both tell us “life is a vapor.” It’s a mist. We’re here today and gone tomorrow. In light of that, be a good steward of your time and your emotions.
It’s not possible to pour yourself fully into every relationship.
You already know that, but chances are you’re feeling guilty because someone isn’t getting as much of your time as they’d like. The reality is: you only have so many hours to give away. Be selective and choosy about how/where you hand out those hours.
With great passion, prioritize the close friends and family who will be by you through the changing seasons of life. Those people are special. But, if you treat every relationship as special, then none of them are.
Let your inner circle know you cherish time with them. For everyone else, learn to cooperate with the inevitable.
Don’t make life more frustrating than it already is by trying to maintain a relationship that was written for a previous chapter. You still have new chapters to write.
2. Am I spending when I should be saving?
Money
First off: I’m not “anti-stuff.”
Some people hear that we’re homeschoolers and think my wife sews all the kids’ clothes and I make them forage for their own dinner. No. We have a TV and a nice couch.
But, we also have an emergency account, retirement savings, and we buy used cars.
Men: are you saving for your family’s future? You should. Even if you don’t currently have a family, you can still be saving for one. Kids are expensive. They need clothes, they expect to be fed multiple times each day, and they don’t even remotely pull their own weight. Save. Take Solomon’s advice and “gather stones.”
Don’t make life more frustrating than it already is by trying to maintain a relationship that was written for a previous chapter. You still have new chapters to write. Click To TweetI know (with all sincerity, I know) it’s nice to have a good truck and a new phone. You know what else is nice? Options.
Options make it possible to choose your path in accordance with your values. Options give you freedom. But, options cost money.
Until you have enough stones gathered, your options are limited. This is why we work minimum wage jobs and drive $600 cars when we’re teenagers. If you want the option to not do that later in life, save up for options.
Saving means spending less than you make—not because you’re “anti-stuff,” but because you’re pro-better stuff.
This summer, I’m taking our eldest son on a trip to Ireland. It’ll give me the opportunity to reconnect with a dear friend from college (because we have a relationship designed to span multiple chapters of life), but it’ll also give me a chance to spend large amounts of focused, quality time with one of my kids.
Hannah and I decided to give him this trip for his 13th birthday. Upon hearing that, an acquaintance remarked (rather sarcastically), “It must be nice to be able to give your kid such a nice gift.”
They’re right. It’s incredibly nice to be able to do that, but we didn’t find this money under a rock. God blessed us with it as the result of living below our means for 15 years. Did we want nicer things along the way? Absolutely, but we also wanted the freedom that comes from living debt-free. That kind of freedom is only found if you’re willing to gather stones.
3. Am I hoarding when I should be sharing?
Generosity
Even Dave Ramsey would say: saving can become excessive if you never share. It’s very easy to spiritualize hoarding by calling it “saving.”[3]
Calling a thing something doesn’t make it that thing.
Options make it possible to choose your path in accordance with your values. Options give you freedom. But, options cost money. Click To TweetWhile you’re gathering enough stones to reasonably sustain you through a few difficult seasons of life[4], please also consider scattering some of those stones to the people around you. If not, your pile of savings turns into a mountain of hoarding.
There are at least two problems with hoarding:
Hoarding is Based on Greed
If jealousy says “God owes me,” then greed says “I owe me.”[5] Either way, I’m never able to enjoy anything unless I have more of it than you. As long as I think I deserve more, I can’t fully enjoy what I already have. How do you avoid that misery? Share.
Sharing is the antidote to greed. Greed is very hard to self-diagnose, so just assume there’s an element of greed inside you. If that’s offensive, then we’re probably closer to the truth than you want to admit. So, share.
Just try it. Give something away—no strings attached. Don’t give it to me. This is not a slick sales presentation to get ahold of your money. The only interest I have in you becoming more generous is knowing the joy you’ll experience by loosening your grip on your stuff.
Hoarding is Driven by Fear
The second problem with hoarding is that it assumes scarcity. It’s driven by a “what if” fear that you’ll soon run out. Every solution is anxiously replaced by another “what if” scenario signaling your downfall.
Obviously, there’s no peace to be found in this kind of living, so allow me to suggest a few things:
- You’re a bad prophet. Most—if not all—of your doomsday predictions never came true.
- You’re still alive. In spite of some scary chapters from your past, you’re still alive, and you probably have a warm, dry bed to sleep in tonight.
- You’re still you. Bad situations can take a lot of things from you, but they can’t take your dignity or core values.
- Your God loves you more than you love you. He’s more concerned about your future than you are, and—good news—He’s more capable of providing for that future than you are.
One last thing about fear: it’s best conquered with love—(1) God’s love for you and (2) your love for others.
When you’re afraid, lean into love.
Let God’s generous love for you motivate you to show love to others. This shifts your focus from your problems to their problems. That slight shift gives you the emotional freedom to live life with more joy and less fear.
18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.
– 1 John 4:18 (NLT)
Decide you will be a financial blessing to somebody else. You won’t regret it.
4. Am I getting ready when I should be getting to work?
Achievement
I like preparation as much as the next guy, but I also realize it can be a crutch.
If I’m honest, sometimes I say I’m “getting ready” when really I don’t want to be ready. If I’m scared to pull the trigger on a project, I’ll defer action by saying I need to do more research:
- I need to research more workouts before I hit the gym and commit to one
- I need to polish up this article before I publish it
- I need to pray about this before taking action (sorry, Christians, but we use this one a lot)
Preparation can easily be a stall tactic to cover up our procrastination.
You’re a bad prophet. Most—if not all—of your doomsday predictions never came true. Click To TweetOne preacher likens this to a gun collector who collects guns, cleans the guns, polishes the guns, but never shoots the guns.
If you’re always searching and rehearsing and collecting without ever pulling the trigger and taking action, then take action. Solomon would say “there’s a time to search and a time to quit searching.”
Quit searching and do something. Launch. Act. Do. If you want God to bless something, then DO something for Him to bless.
Davy Crockett
Be sure you’re right, then go ahead.
Colin Powell suggests a 40/70 rule: make a decision and take action when you have between 40% – 70% of the available information. Acting on less than 40% is blind and foolish. Trying to accumulate more than 70% will cost you the initiative.
Have a bias toward action. When it’s time, shoot the gun. If not, your whole life will be: “Ready, aim, aim, aim, ready, aim, aim, dead.”
Chime In
Have something to add? Which questions do you ask to keep things in perspective?
From the Fray,
-bill
[1] For the Air Force types reading this: I’d like to “piggy-back off that.”
[2] Murder is not an option for expediting the process, but marriage counseling is. Contact your local military chaplain for details.
[3] In Luke 12, Jesus tells a story about a guy who fell into this trap. Things didn’t turn out well for him.
[4] How much savings is enough? That’s not a question I’m qualified to answer, but I suspect your conscience will let you know. Christians call our conscience “The Holy Spirit.” One thing I know about Him: the Holy Spirit will not let you feel good about doing a bad thing. Regardless of what/Who you call your conscience, listen.
[5] This concept was first developed by Andy Stanley in his powerful little book, “Enemies of the Heart.”