A Story We Could all Tell
“Hey Chaplain, you got a second? I think I need to talk to you about something…
A few years ago, I got in a fight with my sister. Long story short: she stole $300 out of my purse. When I found out, I asked her why she didn’t just ask for the money. Instead of apologizing, she got angry and said some really nasty things. We haven’t really talked since, which is probably for the best because I get frustrated within two minutes of being in the same room.
I’d like to have the money back, but I know that conversation wouldn’t go well either. Every time I see her, things are weird at best. At 
family functions, we just avoid each other until I decide to leave early. The worst part of it all: she acts like all of this is my fault. It’s infuriating!
I know I’m not perfect, but this is just not fair. She stole from me. I did nothing wrong.
Every time I think about her, I get tense and angry all over again. I end up having entire conversations with her in my head. I don’t know how many days have been ruined just by thinking through what I’d like to say to her.
Honestly, sometimes I think I hate her for ruining everything. That’s not me though…is it? Hating my own sister? I’m ashamed of thinking like that, but then I just get madder at her for making me have those thoughts.”
Death by a Thousand Cuts
The details are changed a bit, but this is a conversation I had with someone looking for help. Actually, if you swap out the specifics, this is a conversation I’ve had multiple times with multiple people looking for help.
Many of us have a similar story: death by a thousand cuts. First comes the initial injustice—painful and unfair. Then the wound is reopened countless times by the offender refusing to make things right. As far as you know, they moved on with their life–leaving you to bleed at even the slightest memory of what they did to you.
Sure: you’d like to see things fixed. But—depending on what they did to you—that may not even be possible. More than anything, you’d like the freedom to move on with your life instead of reliving the event over and over again.
Anger Has a Place
Without implying there was any good in what they did to you, I want to first suggest the value of anger in general. Anger has a place.
Anger reminds us there is still a right and wrong in the world. Injustice is wrong. Respect is right. Prejudice is bad. Love is good.
Universally, humans of every ethnic group know this to be true. It goes beyond mere survival. Our capacity for anger isn’t the product of evolution. It’s the mark of being created by a God who pursues justice and hates evil (Isaiah 61.8). This is part of what it means to be “created in God’s image” (Genesis 1.27).
Your anger is a reminder of this simple truth: it matters how we treat each other. It matters how people treat you, and it matters how you treat them.
Of course, every emotion can be distorted. If not dealt with in a healthy way, anger can transform you into the worst version of yourself.
Refuse to Play the Victim
By definition, victims are powerless. They rely on someone or something to be made whole. Victims play a passive role, watching and waiting as things play out around them.
No one wants to remain a victim, but we choose victim status more often than we realize. How do you know when you’re playing the victim? It comes down to one word: blame.
To prolong our victimhood[1], we’ll blame almost anything.
- Our DNA: “Hey, don’t blame me. I’m Irish. Irish people are either angry or asleep.”
- Our job: “I know I’m capable of more, but this dead-end job is keeping me from achieving my potential.”
- Our spouse: “If you knew me 20 years ago, I was a different person. But my wife is just impossible.”
- Our wrongdoers: “I could forgive and move on if she would just apologize. How can I forgive without knowing she’s sorry?”
Thankfully, victimhood does not have to be a life sentence. If we’re going to take off the chains of anger, we must understand the difference between fault and responsibility.
Blame vs Responsibility
Blame is about assigning fault. It answers one simple question: who’s wrong? While it’s sometimes helpful to sort that out, the answer won’t bring healing.
You already know this, but it needs to be said: Assigning fault can’t heal your heart.
If assigning fault could mend our wounds, we wouldn’t be having this conversation about the anger in your heart. Blame and fault can only take us so far. To go the rest of the way, we need to assume responsibility.
Responsibility isn’t concerned with who’s wrong. Responsibility asks a more grown-up question: who can do something about it?[2]
Assuming responsibility is the key to no longer playing the victim. It is the only way your heart is going to heal. Let me say that again: no one—not even those who love you the most—has as much power over your heart as you.
You have a vested interest in handling anger in a heart-healthy way.
23Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
-Proverbs 4.23 (NLT)
To handle anger in a healthy way, we need to listen to the words we use when talking about it.
The Math of Anger
In every fight in every relationship, the source of the conflict is this: somebody isn’t getting what they want. James (Jesus’ younger brother) tells us just that:
1What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? …2You want what you don’t have…
-James 4.1a, 2a (NLT)
Regardless of what we think we’re fighting about, the foundation of the fight is someone not getting what they want:
- Your wife didn’t give you the respect you want.
- Your husband isn’t giving you the love you want.
- Our sibling won’t give us the toy we want.
- A friend won’t give you the apology you want.
How do we respond? James tells us that too:
2You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.
-James 4.2 (NLT)
When someone hurts you, they’ve taken something from you. Maybe they took something as simple as $300 from your purse. Maybe they’ve done something far worse: they’ve taken your health, your stability, your peace, or your innocence.
This is why we say things like:
- I’ll get even.
- You owe me an apology.
- He stole my childhood.
- She took my family from me.
Anger creates a debt. The math of anger wants the score to be even again. That’s not wrong.
Remember: anger was created by God as a response to injustice. If we take James’ guidance and ask God, we’ll discover the “math of anger” gives us two options.
Settling the Score
The preferred way to settle a debt is to be paid back. Who wouldn’t want their $300 back (with an apology)? That’s human nature. Actually, it’s God’s nature. You inherited that desire for justice from your Creator.
9“This is what the Lord Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.
-Zechariah 7:9 (NIV)
So, if it’s possible, give them an opportunity to repay the debt. Until shown otherwise, extend the same benefit of the doubt you want when things are reversed. Take the high road with an explanation of how you’ve been hurt, and give them a chance to make things right.[3]
Please don’t be too quick to dismiss this option. If it works, both of you are able to progress through life with a clear conscience. You chose responsibility over blame. Marriages are saved in this way.[4]
Blame seems preferable because it’s easier, but that high quickly wears off. Responsibility produces a better peace. Responsibility lets you sleep well at night. I’ve never met a truly happy, irresponsible person.
What if this doesn’t work? You gave it a sincere effort, but they weren’t ready to do the right thing. Maybe approaching for an apology would be physically dangerous. Perhaps the person who hurt you has since died.
We still have the second option for settling a debt.
If they won’t repay the debt, you’re going to have to forgive it.[5]
Forgiveness: What It’s Not
When we’re slow to forgive, it’s usually because we misunderstand the nature of forgiveness. Here are three things forgiveness is not:
1. Forgiveness is not saying, ‘It’s ok.’
Rather, forgiveness is telling the other person: What you did to me is NOT ok. You were wrong, and you hurt me. If possible, I want you to fix what you broke. Otherwise, for the sake of our relationship—and my heart—you need me to forgive you.
2. Forgiveness is not forgetting.
“Forgive and forget” is an ignorant, painful phrase. It’s not realistic. Forgiveness does not grant you amnesia. Depending on the nature of the offense, the painful memories may never go away. However, without forgiveness, that initial injustice will turn into a thousand cuts.
A wounded, angry heart creates new memories of old offenses.
3. Forgiveness is not trusting.
If you file bankruptcy, the bank will forgive your debt. But, they’re not going to give you a new loan the next day. That’s only going to happen after you establish a track record of integrity.
Banks forgive loans when the effort of reclaiming the debt is no longer worth the pursuit. We should learn from that.
Forgiveness: What it Is
Forgiveness is saying: I’m not going to use what you did to hurt either of us anymore.
17Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
-Romans 12.17-18
- Forgiveness acknowledges an evil was committed.
- Forgiving someone rewards you with an honorable conscience.
- Forgiveness is your attempt to live in a world of peace.
Conclusion
Let me close with three personal confessions:
Yeah, but…
When discussing forgiveness, I’m tempted to respond with a “yeah, but…”
- Yeah, but you don’t know how deeply they hurt me…
- Yeah, but you don’t know how long this has been going on…
- Yeah, but you don’t know how much this cost my family…
Whenever I drift toward “yeah, but…” I try to remind myself of one thing: I’m glad God doesn’t say “yeah, but…” when I ask Him for forgiveness.
“Yeah, but…” only leads to more pain. “Yeah, but…” robs us of any hope that a better future might be possible.
It’s Not Fair
In my anger, I shout: “It’s not fair!” Of course, I’m right. It’s not fair.
But, I need to be reminded of something else as well: I don’t really want fair.
Deep in our hearts—in a place we don’t let many people wander—we’re keenly aware of our capacity to cause pain. If I was forced to repay all of the debts I’ve incurred, I’d quickly go bankrupt.
I don’t want fair. I can’t afford fair. Grace is the only thing I have to stand on.
If only…
Sometimes grudges are about behavior modification. “If I hold onto my anger for a little longer, then he’ll know it’s serious and won’t do it again.”
If you’re withholding forgiveness in hopes you will somehow change the other person’s heart or behavior, let me ask you this: How’s that working for you?
Have they changed yet? Has a grudge ever brought them around to your way of thinking? Our hearts don’t work that way. Grudges make us defensive, and that leads to more grudges.
4Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?
-Romans 2.4 (NLT)
From the Fray,
-bill
Find the Entire Hey Chaplain Series Here
[1] I realize “victim” is a loaded word. In no way am I implying guilt on those who’ve been attacked or hurt. My use of the term focuses solely on our response after the event takes place. To be specific: our healing hinges on a decision to see ourselves as capable of taking back control of our own life.
[2] Responsibility is the combination of two words: Response + Ability. It conveys one simple truth: you have the ability to respond.
[3] For a biblical example of how this could be done, consider Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18.15-17.
[4] Bonus: you got your $300 back.
[5] I don’t say that lightly. Cancelling someone’s debt is the most Christ-like thing you can possibly do.