“Hey Chaplain, I think I’m Depressed…”

While most of my conversations start out with someone saying, “Hey, chaplain…”, dealing with depression is an exception.  That’s the nature of depression.  It sucks the life out of us—making a move toward help (and health) all that more difficult.

Talk of depression usually comes out—if it comes out at all—as the result of a nosey line of questioning:

Me: How are you doing?
Them: Fine.
Me: Ok.  How are you really doing?
Them: Good.
Me: Really?  Everything is absolutely good?  How’d you manage that?  I’d love to know.

Prodding that borders on annoyance is frequently required before someone opens up about “feeling depressed.”[1]  This is the first insight into what depression often feels like: nothing.

Depressive seasons of life can feel like some of the most painful “nothingness” we’ve ever known.  As one person put it, “There’s nothing I hate more than nothing.”[2]

Of course, apathy isn’t the only aspect of depression.  It’s often accompanied by a buffet of unpleasant emotions.  Loneliness.  Anger.  Inexplicable fatigue.  Insecurity.  And of course, hopelessness.

A lack of hope may be the clearest summary of how someone feels while under the thumb of depression.  Dante says it well,

In the middle of the journey of our life
I found myself in a dark wood.
For I had lost the right path.

Perhaps more to the point, David laments:

“You have taken away my companions and loved ones.  Darkness is my closest friend.”
(Psalm 88.18)

If we’re honest, the darkness is sometimes self-induced.  Whether it’s because we feel worthless, angry, or insecure, we often retreat into isolation—folding back inward, inside ourselves and away from everything else.  We do it knowing it’ll only prolong the pain.  Isolation hurts, but it’s also familiar, predictable.  In a way your “normal” friends could never understand, isolation and depression can become part of your identity.  Abandoning that identity ushers in an entirely different set of challenges.  So we stay in the dark.  Paralyzed but in pain.  Depressed.

Whether depression is self-induced or not doesn’t much matter.  It hurts either way.  Depression is a complex topic with myriad causes and degrees of intensity.

Complex Problems Don’t Require Complex Solutions

But, before offering a few suggestions, I want to first recognize the frustration often caused by well-intending friends “offering a few suggestions.”

“You don’t want to feel that way, do you?  Then don’t.  Change.  Go outside.  Get a hobby.  Take a pill.  Go to church.  Have faith.  Snap out of it.  Realize how blessed you already are and just focus on that.”

Sure, they mean well and probably have good ideas.  But, so do you.  Good ideas and self-help programs are in abundance.  If that was all you needed, then this problem wouldn’t have occurred in the first place, right?  Maybe.  However, this leaves out an important element in the story of our lives: we have an Enemy.

Most people believe in some kind of cosmic battle between good and evil.  Jesus described this battle as a spiritual war between himself and Satan:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
(John 10.10)

The devil…was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
(John 8.44b)

Lies.  These are at the root of every problem you and I will ever face.  Some of them we even accept willingly:

This relationship will make me feel better about myself.
My anger was justified.
It’s not a big deal.
This fruit will make your life better. (see Gen 3.4)

Depression Lies

I need you to hear this: Depression lies.

Depression makes you believe things that aren’t so.  Your enemy wants to confirm your insecurities.  He listens to your worries and fears and whispers back, “They’re all true.”

For this very reason, Jesus promises:

The truth will set you free.
(John 8.32)

Out of that promise, please allow me to share a few truths with you.  My goal isn’t to crank out a bunch of facts about depression for you to file away alongside the other well-intended advice.

I want to speak truth into the darkness of your depression.  I want to speak truth against the darkness of your depression.  Time and time again, I’ve been encouraged by watching people liberated out of the darkness.  It doesn’t happen instantaneously.  Hope—like any other skill—takes time and effort.

Dante was right:  We are in the middle of the journey of our life.  At times, we’ll lose the right path and find ourselves in a dark wood.  When that happens, hope emerges on the horizon whenever we embrace Truth:

Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”
(John 8.12)

4 Truths about Depression

Truth 1: Depression is spiritual, and it may not be your fault.

Depression is spiritual because it reveals the inner working of our heart (see Truth 3).  It forces us to ask “why” questions.  “Why” questions search for meaning and significance.  Those matters are decided at the core of who we are.  And, who we are are spiritual beings created by God with a soul that is going to outlive anything life throws at us.

This means depression is proof you’re alive and your soul is in tune with reality.  Certainly, depression tends to exaggerate the pain while minimizing the joy.  For this reason, it needs to be kept in perspective.  We do that by running it through the filter of God’s sovereignty and ultimate plan to restore everything through the work of Jesus.

For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ, and through him God reconciled everything to himself. He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.
(Colossians 1.19-20)

Depression is a realistic look at the consequences of living in a fallen, broken world.  Decent people sometimes die young while evil people grow old.  Those closest to us let us down from time to time.  We set personal goals and don’t always live up to them.  When we survey all of the injustice in the world, it’s more than enough to induce seasons of depression and melancholy.

Don’t be quick to assume your depression is a sign that something is wrong with you.  Maybe you’re just seeing things the way they are.  Consider the words of Jesus as he dealt with his own reality:

Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
(Matthew 26.38)

Heroic figures in the life of the church were frequently plagued with deep bouts of overwhelming sorrow:

“I do not suppose there is any person in this assembly who ever has stronger fits of depression of spirits than I have myself personally.”
-Charles Spurgeon

“I spent more than a week in death and hell. My entire body was in pain, and I still tremble. Completely abandoned by Christ, I labored under the vacillations and storms of desperation and blasphemy against God.”
-Martin Luther

King Solomon paints a clear picture of the human predicament.  In Ecclesiastes[3], considered to be the personal memoirs of the wisest man who ever lived, Solomon starts out:

“Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”
(Ecclesiastes 1.2)

It’s important for us to see that Solomon doesn’t allow the meaningless of life “under the sun” to tell the whole story.  He finishes the book with practical guidance on how to keep life in perspective:

Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind.
(Ecclesiastes 12.13)

Truth 2: God wants you to be honest about your depression.

Pretending like things are better than they are doesn’t make them better.  Saying you’re “OK” during a depressive season doesn’t make you OK.  The truth is, depression is not OK.  Depression is our soul’s dashboard telling us things are currently less than OK.

Be free to speak that truth directly to God.  You would be in good company: the Bible is full of faithful people crying out to God in the midst of their pain.  It doesn’t offend God.  Quite the opposite—he welcomes it as evidence of your sincerity.

They do not cry out to me with sincere hearts. Instead, they sit on their couches and wail. They cut themselves, begging foreign gods for grain and new wine, and they turn away from me.
(Hosea 7:14)

My heart pounds in my chest. The terror of death assaults me.  Fear and trembling overwhelm me, and I can’t stop shaking.  Oh, that I had wings like a dove; then I would fly away and rest!
(Psalm 55:4–6)

If you’re having difficulty putting words to your pain, allow the Psalms to speak for you.  Read them back to God out loud.  When it feels like depression has stolen your voice, find it in the honest laments of King David or the prophet Jeremiah.

Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me.
(Psalm 69.2-3)

For more examples, try Jeremiah’s book of Lamentations or the entire chapters of Psalm 22 or 88.

Truth 3: Listening to your depression is helpful, but so is talking back to it.

Depression speaks to us in a pitch not audible during seasons of joy.  It allows us to hear things about God and about ourselves that we can’t learn any other time.  We’d be wise to listen to what it has to say.  As one writer put it, “While prosperity allows us to hide, depression peals off masks we didn’t even know we were wearing.”[4]

Listen

Listening to our hearts during depression answers core, soul-level questions:

Where do you find joy?
Who/what do you need in your life?
What—if it was taken away—would crush you?[5]
What do you think you’re entitled to?
Who do you love?
Who do you hate?
Who do you trust?

Use the dark wilderness of depression to reveal the innermost desires of your heart:

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.
(Deuteronomy 8.2)

We want to move out of a season of depression as quickly as possible, understandably so.  For that reason, we’re quick to ask “how” questions:

How do I fix this?
How do I feel better?

However, before rushing to “how,” I encourage you first to ask “why?”

Why do I feel this way?
Why do I assign value the way that I do?

If you ignore “Why” by rushing to “How,” the pain will just call back later.

The truth is: all pain is interpreted pain.  The way we interpret the pain has profound impacts on whether it throws us into depression or simply registers as annoying but bearable.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
(Psalm 139.23-24)

Talk Back

It’s helpful to speak back to your depression.  Give your depression a name; brand it as a reminder that you are not your depression.  The next time you feel it returning, speak directly to it: “Listen, Bob.  I see you creeping back into my life.  I’ll listen to see if you have anything of value to teach me, but that’s all of the attention I’m going to give you.”

Remember: depression lies.  Speak back to it with doses of truth: “Bob, I know you’d like to convince me you’re going to be here forever this time.  But, the truth is you’ve been here before and you always leave.  I’ve seen you come and go, and I’ll probably see you come and go again in the future.  In the meantime, I’m not going to let you convince me I’m alone or unique.  I’m not falling for that one again.”

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
(Psalm 34.18)

Truth 4: Choosing faith when you don’t feel like believing is the best kind of faith there is.

Faith is a choice we make.  It’s not a feeling we receive.

Ultimately, faith is a decision we make about who is running the universe.  I’ve heard many people admit to feeling “fake” or duplicitous when they claim faith in God while still harboring doubts about his goodness or his plan for their life.  But if you look closer, you’ll see those crisis points are the very moments faith is designed for.

Rather than feel guilty over the tension, I encourage you to see it as evidence of your ability to persevere.  Is it even possible to know whether faith is genuine until you’re forced to use it?  A full stomach can’t tell you if you believe God will provide.  It’s only in our hunger that we can find that answer.

To see the victory of having faith—however small or weak your faith may appear—alongside fears and doubts, consider this conversation between two demons in a novel by CS Lewis:

“Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending to do [God’s] will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.”[6]

Conclusion

If faith is currently a struggle for you, consider borrowing some of mine.

On my good days and bad, my only redeeming factor is that I actually believe–with all my heart–that the tomb is empty. This is more than a mere fact. It’s a promise that God knows what He’s doing–even in that evil, most dark moment–God knew the misery of the Cross would bring about a greater good.

For me, peace often comes down to a decision about which one of us is God.  It’s either Him or me; it can’t be both.  If it’s Him, then that has to remain true even in my dark moments that make no sense and seem to have no end.

I take a lot of comfort in Jesus’ lonely prayer just before being arrested and executed.[7]  He knew the whole awful ordeal would someday arrive–and that He would have to endure it alone.  None of it caught him by surprise; the whole thing was his idea.

In spite of fully knowing the reason for his suffering, he still spent his final minutes of freedom telling God he didn’t want to go through with it.[8]

The fact that Jesus’ final decision was not, “I don’t want to do this,” but rather “Your will not mine” is what I lean on when I can’t make sense of my own pain or chaos or dark loneliness.

Sometimes I get it right–enduring faithfully. For all the other times…well, I’m thankful the tomb is empty and I have a God who knows more about my future than I do.

By God’s grace, I recently found myself slowly emerging from a period of discouragement, exhaustive stress, and depression.  Much time was spent in what felt like lonely darkness.

Unfortunately, part of that journey involved questioning God’s goodness and plan for my life.  I’m not naive enough to say I won’t return to the sins of worry and hopelessness, nor have I arrived at the “perfect peace” God offers His children.

But stubborn faith in the midst of that dark wood reminded me of at least one thing: my Redeemer lives. Even when I feel like I am not, My Redeemer is alive.

From the Fray,
-bill

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Find the Entire Hey Chaplain Series Here

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[1] For this reason, I often encourage friends and family: Be nosey.  Be annoyingly nosey if you have to.  There are worse things you can be—indifferent being the worst of all.

[2] Edie Bricknell, “Nothing.”

[3] The book of Ecclesiastes is an honest look at the universal fears and doubts facing us all.  For practical application, consider my verse-by-verse sermon series of the whole book: Asking for a Friend: What We All Think but Think We Shouldn’t

[4] Ed Welch, Depression: Looking up from the Stubborn Darkness

[5] This question comes from Tim Keller’s book Counterfeit Gods.  It helps us identify the idols lurking in our heart and the inevitable pain they cause.

[6] CS Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

[7] See: Matthew 26.36-56

[8] That alone is reassuring: our Savior modeled heartache and despair–all the while knowing he was in the midst of God’s will!