Hey Chaplain, I’m Frustrated

“Hey, chaplain.  I’m frustrated.”

It’s probably no surprise: this is something I hear frequently.  Whenever I do, my first thought is often, “That sounds about right.  Welcome to adulthood.” 

My sentiment is captured in that great tome of wisdom, The Princess Bride:

Princess Buttercup: You mock my pain.
Westley: Life is pain, highness.  Anybody who says otherwise is selling something.

Thankfully, my filter usually engages, and I end up trying to say something more pastoral.  However, in this case, my initial reaction isn’t far off from what we need to hear.  Let me explain.

Expectation Management

We recently had a heatwave in the middle of our Montana winter.  After several weeks of temperatures averaging 15 below zero, we were surprised by a few days in the mid-20s (above zero!).  The weather felt so nice that Hannah and I sat outside for a couple hours enjoying the “warmth.”  We sat, we talked, we laughed; time seemed to fly by.  The entire afternoon was truly enjoyable.  It wasn’t until we were coming back inside that one of us commented on how crazy our “afternoon in the sun” would probably seem to others.

Our temperatures have since returned to the sub-zero numbers typical of Montana in the winter, but our brief afternoon on the porch reminded me of something I’d recently lost sight of: Expectations have a profound impact on emotions.  

Our expectations govern whether we experience joy or frustration.

Prior to moving to Montana, we would have never considered temperatures in the mid-20s to be cause for celebration.  But, after living through our first winter up here in the tundra, those few hours felt like pure bliss.  Without knowing it, we were benefitting from the principle of Expectation Management. 

The Math of Joy

The equation goes like this:

Joy = Expectation – Reality

It’s a simple idea:

• If you expected better than you received, you’re going to be disappointed and frustrated
• If you got more than you expected, then life’s not so bad

For followers of Jesus, there’s a deeper lesson here, and it can save us from untold amounts of frustration and disappointment.  CS Lewis explains the concept beautifully:

Cooperate with Reality

What I’ve noticed—in my own life and the lives of others—is that we generally expect things to go our way. 

That’s not the same as saying we want things to go our way.  Wanting things to go your way makes sense.  Expecting them to flies in the face of everything we know. 

Yet, we continue to do it.

If we’re not conscious of our thoughts (and we’re usually not), then we expect things to unfold according to our desires. We expect other people to act the way we want them to, and we expect rush hour traffic to magically part so we can drive home in peace. 

We wouldn’t admit this out loud, but every time we’re stuck in traffic, or when others don’t behave as we’d like, what happens?  We get frustrated and disappointed—as if we expected something else. 

Everyone does this—even though we know it’s not logical.  It makes even less sense when Christians do it.  Why?  Because a central aspect of the Christian worldview is that everything on earth became hostile to our existence after Adam & Eve got themselves kicked out of the Garden of Eden (see Gen 3.16-19).

Anxious About my Anxiety

Here’s my point: Too often, we lose—we forfeit—our peace and joy because we don’t expect our peace and joy to be attacked. 

I don’t have data to back this up, but I’d say this amounts to at least half of the frustration and disappointment we experience on a regular basis.

Not only do we get depressed (that’s unavoidable at times.)  But, then we get depressed about our depression.  We get anxious about our anxiety.  We get angry about our anger.

If we weren’t upset about being upset, then we wouldn’t be so upset.

A Different Perspective

I’m asking you to consider if a naive set of expectations may be robbing you of peace and joy—replacing them with frustration and disappointment.

We compound our frustration by allowing ourselves to be surprised by it—even though Jesus (and common sense, personal experience, etc.) tells us we’re going to be frustrated.

Most of us have read that verse.  Yet, we still get surprised and disappointed when life becomes hard.  We cry out “It’s not fair” or “Things aren’t supposed to be this way!”

We’re never promised fair and easy, but we still expect it.  It’s been said, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.”  If they’re not handled properly, expectations become the thief of joy.

So, allow me to make a few suggestions about the way we develop our expectations:

Joy & Sadness

First, remember that joy is not the opposite of sadness.  Sadness is not evidence that you’re wrong, abandoned, or outside of God’s will.  The Bible tells us it’s possible to be sad and have joy at the same time.

Having peace and joy in the midst of sadness and frustration is possible if we acknowledge the difference between joy and happiness. 

Happiness is based on circumstances. 

It’s how we feel if people act the way we expect them to and if traffic parts for us on the highway.  Obviously, building your life on happiness is not a long-term plan.

While happiness is derived from circumstances, joy comes from faith–faith things will eventually get better.  Specifically: Joy comes from faith in God’s ability to manage your life better than you can.  When we base our contentment on God’s promises rather than people’s behavior, peace and joy follow.

This means it’s possible to experience joy even when you’re disappointed.  You can have peace in the midst of a frustrating problem. 

Paul is describing a peace that doesn’t wait for all of our problems to be solved.  It’s a peace that transcends circumstances. 

When you have that kind of peace, you are unbreakable.

How do you get there? 

• By remembering that morning always follows evening. 
• By telling yourself—in the midst of darkness—”The lights always, eventually, come back on.”

The Power of Hope

This conviction is what the Bible calls hope.  It’s the most powerful weapon in your arsenal.

We don’t get hope by being strong and having all the answers. It’s exactly the opposite. Hope comes from doing all that you can and then trusting God to do the rest.

We find hope when we embrace our weaknesses and limitations so that God’s will—which is infinitely better and more comforting than mine—can be carried out in our lives.

The opposite of joy is hopelessness, and there’s nothing more dangerous.  When talking with Airmen, nothing scares me more than hopelessness: the inability to see yourself on the other side of the problem.

Peace & Faith

I realize not everyone believes in God.  You may not consider faith a part of your worldview.  I respect that, but I’d also like you to consider the peace and joy implications of that position:

There will always be questions we can’t answer—to include our search for certainty about what’s going to happen tomorrow.  Without a sovereign God who loves you, you’re forced to resolve the uncertainty by placing faith in yourself—in your ability to solve every problem that needs solved and fix everything that needs fixed. 

Even on my best day, that’s more pressure than I can handle.

Thankfully, I don’t have to.

There’s tremendous peace to be found in acknowledging that your future does not hinge on you.  When we act as if everything depends on us, we get no rest—only anxiety over the next problem we have to solve. 

Peace and joy begin to replace frustration and anxiety when we place our deepest needs in God’s care.

Be Thankful

When you’re anxious and frustrated, you’ll find the most direct route back to peace and joy is through thankfulness. 

Whatever we focus on tends to increase. 

The longer we focus on the cause of our frustration, the more frustrated we become.  However, even a few minutes spent being intentionally thankful can have a drastic effect on our emotions.

Can’t think of a reason to be thankful?  I get it.  I’ve been there too.

Every time I catch myself swimming laps in the pool of pity, I think of this picture:

I’ve never had a day when clean drinking water was out of my reach.  I can’t fathom the child in this picture being one of my children—reliant on the goodwill and mercy of another person for something as basic as water.  We live in a country where it’s extremely unlikely we’ll die of hunger or be forced to sleep outdoors. 

All of my problems are first-world problems.

I don’t say any of this to minimize our problems—simply to put them in context.  There’s always something to be thankful for.

When Paul tells us to bring our requests to God with thankfulness, he’s giving incredibly practical guidance.  With one powerful step, we’re:

1. Acknowledging our problems (remember, they’re inevitable)
2. Recognizing God’s ability to solve the problems we can’t
3. Shifting our focus back to the blessings being overshadowed by our problems

This is exactly what David is doing in the Psalms:

David acknowledges that others had a better harvest than him.  Maybe that’s fair, maybe it’s not.  Regardless, David has peace. 

He has peace because he knows his future it’s not contingent on a good harvest, job security, or other people’s opinions of him.  The result? 

David got a good night’s sleep.

Talk to Your Heart

I’ll close with a final suggestion: Talk to your heart just as often—if not more—than you listen to it. Our hearts can be fickle and deceptive. 

Sometimes, our heart creates problems where problems don’t exist—convincing us that a temporary problem is actually the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.

When it does that, talk back to it:

I’m sure you can think of prior problems that seemed incredibly awful at the time.  Your whole life seemed to be crashing down—unsure of how you’d ever pull through. 

But, you did. 

Somehow, you’re still here.  And, you’re able to talk about that temporary problem—as frustrating and discouraging as it was—as simply another problem you emerged from.

Right now, you are on the other side of problems you once thought you’d never get through.

Tell your heart that the next time it starts signaling the end of the world. 

Acknowledge the inevitably of your problems.  This isn’t the first one, nor will it be the last.  If you’re honest, you’d admit that your problems, while frustrating, generally make you stronger and wiser than you’d be without them.

I’ll give CS Lewis the last word:

From the Fray,
-bill

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