If you and I have spent much time together, you’ve probably heard me complain about our failure to listen to each other. (Not YOU and ME specifically, but society as a whole).
In my opinion, this is one of the larger problems facing us today: we simply do not listen to each other.
As a result, we’re lonely and polarized. Many of us are suffering from a significant lack of human connection. The absence of real, meaningful conversation has become so persistent and widespread, I wonder if we even notice it anymore.
When was the last time you had an intentional conversation with someone who was—without a doubt—entirely focused on what you had to say?
We could blame the problem on just about anything—especially our cell phones. But, assigning blame rarely makes us feel better. I’d rather discuss solutions, which is the point of this article.
How to Have a Good Conversation
I recently watched a TED Talk titled “How to Have a Good Conversation.” After briefly summarizing the problem—People Don’t Know How to Talk to Each Other—she launched into advice-giving mode “teaching the audience how to talk and how to listen.”
I recommend you watch the 12-minute video yourself (it’s included at the bottom of this article).
In the meantime, I’m going to loosely follow her outline and offer a few thoughts of my own.
As a chaplain, I have a front row seat to people’s heartache and loneliness. Adding value to someone’s day can be as simple as engaging them in meaningful conversation. So, please read on—but do so with the intent of becoming a more engaged, sincere friend to your fellow humans.
If you need additional persuasion, consider this: the people you most enjoy being around are probably the ones who:
- Aggressively listen to what you have to say, and
- Are capable of holding a conversation about something other than, well, themselves.
So—if for no other reason—consider being a good listener as one of the fastest ways to make friends and earn trust.
Improving Your Conversation Skillset
If you don’t want to (or currently can’t) have a conversation with someone, that’s fine—just say so. Or, find a polite way to dismiss yourself. But, don’t attempt to multitask a conversation. It’s just not possible. And trust me: you do not look as engaged or attentive as you think you do.
Don’t make people compete with your phone, incoming email, or side conversations with other passersby. Please put your phone down. If you’re in the military, take your ID card out of your computer: that will remove distractions and communicate that the other person has your full attention.
Even if they don’t, allowing them to speak authoritatively costs you nothing. Asking “What is your opinion?” is a free—but often powerful—way to increase someone’s sense of worth. Asking the question doesn’t commit you to take their advice or agree with their position.
Everyone wants to feel like they’re the expert on something. Be the one who makes them feel that way.
This is hard for a lot of people, but we must resist the urge to give our opinion unless it’s asked for. Not only is it arrogant to discharge unsolicited opinions and judgment, but it’s also a waste of time. Until people are in a position to want your advice/input, they’re not going to receive what you have to say.
If you truly want to have a conversation, then avoid questions that can be resolved with one-word answers.
- Instead of “Were you afraid?” ask “How did you feel about that?”
- Instead of “Did you like it?” say “Tell me about it.”
Don’t assume they’d evaluate a situation the same as you would. What you see as bad news might be a spot of good luck for them. Rather than assigning value and immediately replying with an apology (or congratulations), ask:
- How do you feel about that?
- Is that what you were hoping would happen? Why?
- Tell me more about that…
Don’t insist on steering or returning things back to you. To be safe, just assume this is something you are guilty of more than you realize. We all do it, and we should all apologize for doing it. Unless you’re a repeat offender, it’s forgivable. But it’s still poor form. Work on it.
Here are two reasons to increase your conversational self-awareness:
- Not everything that comes into your head needs to enter the conversation. Some thoughts will come—and go—and that’s ok.
- The other person does not want to hear you talk about you. I’m sorry, but this is true. They want to talk about themselves as much as you want to talk about yourself. So, let them do it.
If you don’t know, just say you don’t know. Even better: ask someone who does. Transparency is endearing; it causes people to lean in, seeing you more as an ally than an enemy. Regardless of who you are, you could probably benefit from asking more questions and offering fewer opinions.
This means you won’t be able to “add value” to everything that’s discussed–even if you’re the smartest guy in the room.
In all seriousness: Think long and hard about whether correcting somebody’s recollection, timeline, grammar, etc. would add any value to the situation. Most of the time, you’re better off letting it go and—if vital—adapting/adjusting privately.
If they’re telling you about the loss of a family member, that is not the time to tell them you recently lost a loved one too. If they’re going through a divorce, injecting stories of your relational problems is not helpful.
Actually, it comes across as rude and insensitive.
I realize most people try to tell a corresponding story in an effort to relate or ease the pain. However, think back to the last time someone—with the best of intentions—did that to you. Chances are, you didn’t appreciate it nearly as much as you would have a simple,
“I hate that you’re going through this right now. Is there anything I can do?
I may not be able to fix this, but I can sit with you until it’s over.”
One more thing: if a child is sharing something with you, resist the urge to give them a “reality check.” Chances are, the situation on the playground or the fight with their friend wasn’t as dramatic as they’re conveying. But—and please hear this—it was to them. What sounds like overreacting from our perspective is often a proportionate response to them. Listen to their story and make a sincere attempt to enter into their little world.
There’s no need to compete for emotional energy or the crowd’s attention. There’s plenty to go around. Save your stories and efforts to impress. Instead, resolve to be the quiet professional, competently creating opportunities for others to win.
It’s always better to be an interested friend than an interesting jackass.
This is the opposite of active listening. Active listening is when you have a bunch of things to do/say (instead of listening) in an effort to convince the other person you’re listening.
If you’re truly listening, they’ll know. It will be self-evident, appreciated, and refreshing.
Most people are so used to not being heard, it’s fairly easy to win their loyalty and affection by truly listening to what they have to say.
When you listen aggressively, you listen to understand—not to reply. Let me say that again: if you have already formulated your response by the time the other person finished speaking, then you were not listening. Listening to respond is not listening.
When we’re in “aggressive listening mode,” we interject only to seek clarification or give reassurance—and even then, make every effort to wait until they stop talking before you speak up, ask a question, etc.
Interrupting only communicates one thing: you view what you had to say as more important than what they were saying. It’s not cute or defensible because you “just got excited.” Interrupting stops being socially acceptable around our third birthday.
Conclusion
I’ll end with this: people don’t need to be agreed with nearly as much as they need to be understood. I don’t need you to think I’m right, but I very much want you to think I’m worth listening to.
Demonstrating genuine empathy—a willingness to come alongside someone to share their experiences and emotions—is one of the most powerful gifts we can give each other.
If you doubt that, try to remember how you felt the last time someone did it for you. IF it ever happened, I’d wager it was nothing short of heroic. Decide today that you are going to be the hero in someone else’s story. Sometimes, all you have to do is listen.
From the Fray,
-bill