Last week we defined love as a three-sided triangle (passion, intimacy, and commitment).  We usually judge the love in our relationship by looking at only one leg of the triangle.  If the passion is gone, we assume we’ve “fallen out of love.”  But, the good news is: we still have other pieces of the triangle.

Intimacy steps up to keep things warm if passion is running dry, and there’s the old-fashioned, grownup word “commitment” to help us “stick it out” when things are really rough.  But, nobody wants to live like that forever.  Marriage without passion is boring; love without intimacy is shallow.[1]

So, what happens to love after the wedding?  Everybody has asked themselves that question at some point.  We start singing the Righteous Brothers’ tune “Lost that Loving Feeling” and worry that our marriage is going to end up as another statistic.[2]  Psychologist and relationship researcher Dr. Dorothy Tennov says most couples “fall out of the love obsession” after two years of marriage.  Then what?  For those committed to not being another statistic, are they doomed to a lifetime of misery and loneliness?

For many that answer is yes.  They fall out of love, feel resentful and trapped, and end up hating the next 40 years of their life.  It doesn’t have to be that way though.  Marriage—every marriage—has the potential to be glorious…if you’re willing to do the hard work.  The truth is this: love is a choice much more than it is a feeling.  We all want to feel love, but few are willing to do the things required to generate the feelings.

Feelings Lie

And, this is where most marriages go wrong.  We wait (and wait and wait and wait…) for the feelings to be right before we act in a loving way to our spouse.  In reality though, our minds work the opposite: It is much easier to act your way into a feeling than to feel your way into an action.   There is no end to the ways you can act your way into a feeling; I’ll be discussing all kinds of fun things over the weeks to come.  But, it will always come down to this: Are you willing to deny yourself for the sake of your marriage?

If your marriage isn’t what you’d like it to be now, I challenge YOU to be the hero of your relationship[3], lay down your demands, and embrace the selfless teachings of Jesus.  Love your husband or wife the way they need to be loved before you feel like it.  Be a catalyst for change.  You will never get what you need by denying your spouse what they need.

If your marriage is already great, good for you!  Do me two favors: (1) Share your secret, and (2) Keep reading anyway.  Every marriage can get better!

Chime In

How have you and your spouse worked to regain that loving feeling?