More Peace from Better Questions

To some degree, ignorance will always be unavoidable: we either don’t know what we don’t know, or we don’t know how to know the things we wish we knew. 

Often, peace and joy seem to be on the other side of a cruel riddle.

But, could we be making life even harder than it has to be by trying to solve the wrong riddles?  I’ve seen people shed untold amounts of baggage and frustration by simply tweaking the question they were asking.

Consider the last time you wished you had more of something: you had 4 but you wanted 7. All of the time spent looking for the “missing” 3 kept you from enjoying the existing 4. You were asking Question 1 when Question 2 held the key to contentment:

• Question 1: Why don’t I have more _______ [money, time, hair, etc.]?
• Question 2: Why do I have this much _______ [money, time, hair, etc.]?

Don’t dismiss this because it’s simplistic. What we focus on tends to increase–whether it’s a deficit or a blessing. The next time you find yourself wishing for more, pause long enough to ask Question 2: why have I been given this much?

The Power of Words

Reframing the question is more than semantics.  Reframing the question forces you to change your perspective.  It creates distance between you and the problem—allowing you to evaluate it in a way consistent with your personal values.

• Question 1 comes from want.  It’s driven by fear, assumes scarcity, and produces anxiety.
• Question 2 comes from need.  It’s driven by reality, assumes abundance, and produces peace.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting more—on the contrary.  “Wanting more” is the basis for ambition, which can be a wonderful thing.  Ambition keeps us from living in our mom’s basement or driving through life in second gear.  By all means—maintain a healthy ambition that forces you to “up shift” and reach for more. 

• When ambition is healthy, it serves you—providing drive and motivation.
• When ambition is unhealthy, you serve it—at the cost of health and relationships.

How do you know if your ambition is healthy?  By asking the right question:

Want vs Need

Am I doing this because I want to or because I need to? 

When ambition is healthy, it serves you. When it's not, you serve it. Click To Tweet

This is one of those questions we probably need to ask twice: once to get your reactive “Of course I need it” answer and then again to get the honest “Ok, I could probably live without it” answer. 

One of the most abused, overused words in the English language is “need.” 

We throw all kinds of things into the “need” category that don’t belong there.  Mislabeling something as a need instead of a want won’t seem like a big deal until that thing is suddenly gone or in short supply.  Nothing produces a crisis like the absence of a thing essential to our survival.  Remember the last time you couldn’t breathe?  Every cell in your body was impatiently telling you to “get more [air], now!” 

Creating a Crisis

Avoid creating a crisis where a crisis doesn’t exist by asking better questions:

• Can I go on without this thing?  Have I lived without it in the past?
• Will I still think this thing is a big deal in the morning?  Five years from now?
• Do I want this thing talked about at my funeral?  Is having it going to be part of my legacy?
• Are there other people who don’t have this thing?  Are they content and at peace?
• Do I think I need this thing, or is someone else telling me I need it?  Why do I care what they think?
• How do I know this thing is vital?  Do I completely understand the situation, or should I phone a friend before freaking out?

5 Questions

This brings us back to Dr. Ryan and his five questions.  What started as a commencement speech (see below) quickly turned into an internet sensation and then a best-selling book.

Do I want this thing talked about at my funeral?  Is having it going to be part of my legacy? Click To Tweet

In his book, Dr. Ryan humbly suggests five questions we can all ask to take us to a better place.

1. Wait, what?

We should never be afraid or embarrassed to ask this question.  Avoid the internal intimidation urging you to pretend like you know something when you really don’t.  If necessary, stop the train and ask for clarification.

“Effective leaders, even great ones, accept that they don’t have all the answers. But they know how to ask the right questions—questions that force others and themselves to move past old and tired answers…”

-James Ryan

In our own lives, the people we admire as confident and capable are the ones willing to ask “dumb questions” rather than staying ignorant.

This is especially helpful if you’re planning to offer an opinion about something.  Slow down long enough to develop understanding before drawing conclusions.

2. I wonder why…? Or I wonder if…?

The word “wonder” allows you to suspend logic long enough to think outside of the box.

• “I wonder why we don’t do things differently?”
• “I wonder how things would look if we…?”

This question is tougher for adults.  Resist the urge to “mature” beyond the wonder that used to fuel your imagination.

We often jump straight to “how” and then become discouraged by the details.  Before getting bogged down in a plan full of “how,” allow yourself to wonder why?  Or what if?

To borrow a phrase from another great book: Start with Why.[2] Stay with why long enough to dream.

3. Couldn’t we at least…?

This is how we get unstuck.  It allows us to acknowledge common ground.  Regardless of the problem, we can always find something to agree on.  Focus there.

“Can’t we at least agree that we want what’s best for our family, unit, country, etc.”

This is the question to ask when conversations become polarized along party lines. 

When asking this question, it helps to remember: the people who disagree with you are decent people who want many of the same things you do.  If you doubt that, then tell yourself everyday:

“Everybody is doing the best they can with what they have.”

Keep repeating it until you believe it.  It’ll produce a happier version of you than assuming the opposite.

4. How can I help?

Before rushing to give assistance or advice, first recognize others are experts in their own lives.  Don’t even assume they need or want advice.  This is the same approach you’d want from others.

Remember the last time someone gave you advice you didn’t ask for?  How’d that go over? 

Even when we know other people are right—giving us good advice with our best intentions at heart—we’d still prefer they just ask us questions and then listen to us talk about ourselves.

Everybody is doing the best they can with what they have. Click To Tweet

Caring is not always enough.  It’s more important we care in a meaningful, intentional way.  If you want to give advice, first get permission.  Otherwise, you’re just talking to hear yourself talk.

5. What truly matters? (…to me)

The next time your peace or joy is threatened, rise above the situation by returning to your core values.  This will help you breathe again—but only if you have good core values.

Good core values can’t be affected by circumstances. 

If one of your core values is, “I want to be known as someone with a lot of money,” then you’re allowing circumstances (a lot of circumstances) beyond your control to throw you into crisis mode.

If one of your core values is, “I want to be able to say ‘I kept my integrity by doing the best I could with what I had in the moment,’” then you’ve got something nobody can take away from you.

Good core values always allow you to say:

“Today is hard.  But tomorrow, I’m still going to be me.  Nothing can change that.  I’ll still have what truly matters.”

Conclusion

To sum it up, Dr. Ryan offers his five questions as the basis for:

1. Understanding: “Wait, what?”
2. Creativity: “I wonder if…?”
3. Progress: “Couldn’t we at least…?”
4. Relationships: “How can I help?”
5. Purpose: “What truly matters?”

Good core values can't be affected by circumstances. Click To Tweet

Here’s the Original Speech

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[1] Ryan, James E. Wait, What?: And Life’s Other Essential Questions. New York: HarperOne, 2017.

[2] Simon. Start With Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action. New York: Portfolio, 2009.